almost perfect

hi.
an almost perfect day for me today.
woke up with my daughter kicking me in her twin bed,
dropped her at daycare,
coffee @ soma where I read 2 magazines cover to cover,
off to the YMCA for a run and lift,
swam at the pool and read for an hour,
radio station to review a cd,
2 mohitos at Gratzi,
picked up Rogue Wave 10:1 and walked Kirkwood,
made a fantastic pasta salad,
listening to whfb and it looks like rain.
I have talked to relatively no one.

These are the days..

I am sitting on my couch--windows open--as it is only 80 today.
ahhh. I hear the rain gently falling now....

Funny, I have this frequent image, it is an object (me) sinking to the bottom of what seems to be an aquarium or ocean. The object sways from side to side as it makes its downward descent to the bottom. I see it falling--an even, slow, almost calculated fall until it settles.

It is a metaphor for me. I am a weightless object, surrendering and finally finding the bottom to settle down. And it's ok.


Once on the bottom the image in my mind is myself, legs spread shoulder-width apart, as if claiming my territory.

I have spent so many years trying to catch up to where you are, feeling so far behind; dwarfed by your experiences and your knowledge. No longer do I feel that way.

While running today I was thinking about the tension of opposites. I don't feel that tension right now and therefore I feel good. So why do we keep searching for someone to complete us when we are already there?

Another person only muddies up the path. In my experiences I find I do so much to impress or win over the person and in the end, repeatedly, I lose them. Instead of the calm feeling I am seeking from someone else, I feel doubt, despair, rage, jealously, fear, unhappiness...Where is the good in that?

The best distance is arms reach. I have found no solace in any other person but myself.

And unfortunately, the memory of feeling the brief, euphoric feeling I thought was love was nothing at all to the other person.