romeo laureate

Check out this old school valentining: http://www.insidebayarea.com/ci_2567421 I have never received a poem from a man. Wonder what that would be like. Hmmm.

*Art Blakey and Carter Family- http://www.grammy.com/press/press_releases/2005/0104a.aspx -you go-- lifetime achievement award.

Ahhhh. Ella Fitz's "Cheek to Cheek" and "Girl from Eponima" Stan Getz on WFHB with a glass of wine. An excellent ending to a long Thursday. It's been a great week but, man, I am beat.

Wish I had DeLovely at home to smile at my old pal Cole Porter. Cole always gets me out of the funk.
I don't have much to say--honestly, I am just too damn tired to put two thoughts together. But, as always, I am conjuring up romantic scenarios in my mind. I know the place--just wish I could recognize the face.

here comes the sun

Man, I sit around for three months and the second day back to work the sun comes out and the temperature is 67 degrees. Go figure.

Lovely! Outstanding! But the best I can do is crack my car windows and turn up the music.
Someone out in ghetto-land (not my Indian compound neighbors to the right or left) grilled out hamburgers. The smells of curry and beef blew through the screendoor that Lilly decidedly made into her rhythmic beat box machine. Lord, give me strength. Raising an Aries child is like trying to contain a Bull bolting through a glass shop. We are perfect together--

But it's all good. (the motto for my recent production attempt--Guys and Dolls). I like to make my life as complicated as I possibly can. Always. It's a creed I live by.

If only someone could massage my shoulders right now so I could sleep. They are up around my ears at the moment. The human touch--sigh---what would I give? You have no idea.

playa del carmen

As I passed through the empty halls last night,
the stale smell of public education burned in my nostrils.
I paused outside a door: my door.
And not having the key, I couldn't enter.
I looked through the small window and could make out the shadows of desks
and debris

and it was clear to me
that just as in life and in love,
we are easily replaced and forgotten.

What would it take to be treasured
like a smooth stone found on the shore
that was kept in your pocket always
and held tightly between your fingers?

How would it feel to be needed
and noticeably missed by you?

I suddenly felt ordinary and bland.

A janitor passed on his waxer.
I jerked back from my battered door,
smiled weakly at him.

There was a moment of understanding between us.
He knew this feeling far better than I.

I'll Know

Something happens to a person
when they have been touched by something (or someone)
so amazing or horrific or profound
that they will never quite be the same again.

I've had a few encounters like these in the past few years
and have been given the last three months to reflect back on
each one with remorse, with sheer bliss, with shame, with overflowing joy, with dispair or a combination of all of those feelings
and I know that without those events (or people)
I would not be who I am today.

***
I am trying to enjoy these last few days of solitude before I go back
hoping
that the person who is me shines through to everyone I meet
and others will respond in kind to me-- or with new eyes
and a new heart.
Here's to hoping...
that my strengths and talents will be noted and used for the greater good,
that connections will be made and kept,
that love will have a chance to blossom.
***
A lovesong from the show I am currently working on has been playing over in my head.
It is called "I'll Know:"

...I'll know when my loves comes along
I'll know then and there,
I'll know at the sight of her face
how I care, how I care, how I care
and I'll stop
and I'll stare,
And I'll know long before we can speak
I'll know in my heart,
I'll know and I won't ever ask,
Am I wise? Am I right? Am I smart?
But I'll stop
and I'll stare
at that face in the throng
Yes, I'll know when my love comes along.

It's going to be a great musical.

stupidbowl sunday

How perfect the superbowl is on a sunday. The two go hand in hand.
Might as well break out the tax forms...now, where did I put my beer?

****

My girl washed me in the tub today. She leaned against my back and guided the washcloth
up and down
up and down
like I have with her so many times.
I thought to myself she will one day be doing this when I no longer can.
So I held her to my naked breast and kissed her, tears streaming down.
"You ok?" she asked me, her furrowed brow and hands outstretched.
"Mommy is ok. Mommy is fine."

****

Sometimes I feel like my heart could explode from holding back the amount of love I feel.
That must be why when the seasons change from summer to fall or winter to spring, I have so much trouble.
You see, I don't know what to do with the feelings-- my heart swells so big it must be released.
To friends, to enemies, to lovers, to strangers, to students, to whomever.

You are loved by someone who is amazing and caring,
thoughtful and attentive,
funny and bright,
beautiful and unassuming,
and she wants you to know it.
right now.

culture got you down?

http://www.findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_kmesq/is_200501/ai_n8614206

Silium's Hill

Shoe Shine Mamma
Spits for her money
Wants to make a living
Try to make her own

All she ever wanted was to
make her own money and
settle down on Silium's Hill

She prayed by the water on Manitou Bay
Sipping ambrosia on a holy night
Counting the lovers that had passed her way
They could not see her on Silium's Hill

On a frozen lamp pole I scratch her name
-With my rusty old penknife
on an empty heart

Standing by the window,
is that you out there
at the Southern Cross over Silium's Hill

Oh, baby will you ride with me
Through the wheat towns to Medicine Hat
When the cold winds blow

I'll be there
I'll hang on tight,
baby sure go for that

Now the old man knocks at my front door,
Shoe Shine Mamma isn't here anymore
There's a stranger in my place
looking out over Silium's Way...

When I am least expecting it
I am reminded of
love amazing love.

"demon lover"

Here are two pupils
whose moons of black
transform to cripple
all who look:

each lovely lady
who peers inside
take on the body
of a toad.

Within these mirrors
the world inverts:
the fond admirer's
burning darts

turn back to injure
the thrusting hand
and inflame to danger
the scarlet wound.

I sought my image
in the scorching glass,
for what fire could damage
a witch's face?

So I stared in that furnace
where beauties char
but found radiant Venus
reflected there.
-S. Plath


I'm feeling neither the heights of ecstasy nor the depths of despair. Occasionally hatred seeps in to my heart but I waive him off. He has no power over me. The flow of eternal power is steady as a stream in springtime.

kama sutra

Open your arms as far as they will go/ We take off your dress /An embarrassing poem/ Was written when I was alone/ In love with you
I shook down those lines /To shine up the streets /I got up off my hands and knees /To thank my lucky stars that you're not me
-JTweedy

I've been holding on to that lyric for some time now. Seemed ok today.

And tonight things are fine.
Am grateful for those who have been patient and kind-you know who you are. Thanks for standing by.

SUNDAY EDITION:

Woke in a panic this morning, the kind of panic that settles in the pit of my stomach and remains there, eating away at its lining. It is such a different feeling from the calm that carried over from yoga yesterday. Here's the panic:
I have no idea how I am going to pay for some big ticket items this week--rent, court costs and lawyer are of major concern. Besides, it is so awful to have to sit down with someone and hash out debt acquired over years-- it just saps the old energy. This mountain is difficult to climb. You know, you've been there.

So I am climbing inside myself today to gather the strength to make it through the week--knowing that this, too, is only a temporary limitation.

countdown

*Stardust: The birds are chirping in the mornings again. I hear them around 7:41.

*Old Friends: It's funny how we lose people and then they come back to us. I got my Jimmy back again. And the best part about us--it feels like not a day has passed since we got pulled over in his blue vega late on a school night (numerous times, actually). And thanks. You said just what I needed to hear.

*Baby Love: when I picked my girl up from daycare today she touched my face softly with her hand and said to the babysitter, "mommy is pretty."

*Fade into You: played it for the first time in years tonight. Still felt the same.

raven hair

Looking into the basin of the sink, I watched the remains of color swirl around the bowl and down the drain. The dye has stained my fingers and sides of my face. I examine carefully the black pieces meant to cover up my god-given blonde. I pause for a moment to stare at the strange face in the mirror. She waxes philisophical....

*Jesus spoke in metaphors and that is probably why they crucified him. They didn't understand what he was trying to do or to say. Why is our message so often distorted--and we crucified?

*Words cut and stain like indelible ink. Words can also manipulate, destroy, seduce, and sooth.

* We see ourselves in the faces of those we love--that is why we love them. We believe that one person can see us for who we are, but actually we see those qualities we like in ourselves reflecting back to us. So, when that person no longer holds up the mirror, what is left to see?

*On starting over:
How can one convey that, "She is not the person I am. This is who I am now."
I know what I am to do. But practicing and preaching are two completely different things.
And perhaps this is why we are here in this lifetime. You preach--I practice.
Let the rewiring continue.

somewhere in time

I just finished watching this movie with the late Christopher Reeve, Jane Seymour and Christopher Plummer. I remember back in 1993 a coffeeshop boy name Eric told me this was the most romantic movie ever made. Tonight was my first time seeing it.
Would a man give up so much, would he persist all because of love?
Is this bliss? Is this joy? Is this what we live for?
What I wouldn't give for that feeling once again.