I don't know which is better--the opening scene to Allen's Manhattan or the closing scene to Breakfast at Tiffany's. Just finished watching both. Woody Allen makes me laugh. Audrey Hep makes me think there is hope.
( Paul Varjak: You know what's wrong with you, Miss Whoever-you-are? You're chicken, you've got no guts. You're afraid to stick out your chin and say, "Okay, life's a fact, people do fall in love, people do belong to eachother, because that's the only chance anybody's got for real happiness.")
I swear, there is nothing better than a man who can make me laugh. It's all in the timing. And if someone has good comic timing, well, you know what that means...
Actually, I take that back. Timing depends on both parties to work. It's either there or it isn't.
Alas, being a hopeful romantic can be problematic. But love is love is love--no matter the season for me.
So, What is next? Three Coins in the Fountain a movie about three American Girls travelling in Rome, each tossing a coin into the beautiful fountain of Trevi. The legend is that if you make a wish when you throw the coin into the fountain your wish will be granted. I am sure Rome is beautiful in January..
"Oh the comfort, the inexpressibe comfort, of feeling safe with a person.
Having neither to weigh thoughts or measure words.
But pour them all out, just as they are chaff and grain together,
knowing that a faithful hand will take and sift them what is worth keeping,
And then, with the breath of kindness, blow them away."
-George Eliot
Here's to finding humor, timing and love--
but most of all, love.
Goodnight, sweet love.I wish on the moon for you and again say "Goodnight."
12/26/2004
"I’ve Lost Track of the World"
Holiday specials:
*My oldest and dearest friend called me up and before even saying hello, she said, "o.k. spill it sister...new address, new phone number, what in the hell is going on? I want details. NOW."
The last time we spoke was over 2 years ago.
Damn, I love real people. Happy 35 to you too, Erin.
*Feeling victorious at winning the battle over the snowdrifts, I drove into town to check out how my new car handled unplowed streets-- only to find our county was under a snow emergency. I watched some kids drive their crappy car THROUGH a mile high snowbank and then proceeded to spin out into the unpaved Kroger parking lot. They were laughing their asses off--probably more at me and my stunned expression than anything else. Ahh youth, glorious youth.
*My daughter's inability to comprehend the whole gift-giving scene. She wanted kisses, not presents. We left half of them unopened--and using the small trunk for an excuse, left most of them at grandma's house. My parting sentiments were, "I just don't have room for all of this stuff. And if dad tries to but that box in view of my back window and I have an accident..." Driving home I called and apologized. Just spending a few hours with them turns me back into the silent but raging beast of my youth. It's more fun watching my sisters quibble for mom's attention anyway.
* Watching old episodes of Benny Hill after a few drinks. Fun for the whole fucking family.
*THIS MOVIE. What a hoot.
*My oldest and dearest friend called me up and before even saying hello, she said, "o.k. spill it sister...new address, new phone number, what in the hell is going on? I want details. NOW."
The last time we spoke was over 2 years ago.
Damn, I love real people. Happy 35 to you too, Erin.
*Feeling victorious at winning the battle over the snowdrifts, I drove into town to check out how my new car handled unplowed streets-- only to find our county was under a snow emergency. I watched some kids drive their crappy car THROUGH a mile high snowbank and then proceeded to spin out into the unpaved Kroger parking lot. They were laughing their asses off--probably more at me and my stunned expression than anything else. Ahh youth, glorious youth.
*My daughter's inability to comprehend the whole gift-giving scene. She wanted kisses, not presents. We left half of them unopened--and using the small trunk for an excuse, left most of them at grandma's house. My parting sentiments were, "I just don't have room for all of this stuff. And if dad tries to but that box in view of my back window and I have an accident..." Driving home I called and apologized. Just spending a few hours with them turns me back into the silent but raging beast of my youth. It's more fun watching my sisters quibble for mom's attention anyway.
* Watching old episodes of Benny Hill after a few drinks. Fun for the whole fucking family.
*THIS MOVIE. What a hoot.
12/23/2004
"Blue and Wonder"
The downtown lights looked so beautiful last night with the snow falling. My little town was abandoned--and I could slink along, occasionally sqinting my eyes to make the christmas lights blur into a mess of light and color all around me.
It's nice to know what I am doing for New Year's Eve. I hate the dreaded holiday, especially since I don't spend much time with other people these days...
so 10 pm chanting and meditation, a sleep over and cold shower with almond oil followed by 3:45 am Sadhana. May the longtime sun shine upon you!
and finally..hitting home lyrics from the 1999 Bloomed album:
i've been stunned
and I've been turned
i've been undone and burned
i saw you as the answer to
years of blue and wonder
your voice shakes me through
but you don't know what I might be
you haven't seen the worst of me
but when your eyes move up I'm silent
**so put your arms around me
and pull your mouth up to mine
and what's that word
i forget sometimes
it's the one that means
the love has left your eyes
i'm thinking now when I first knew
i was lying with a stranger
you were curled up with a paper
in your little SOMA room
the telephone was pouring blue
and when I hung up with you
i was sick and sad and wished I had
a kiss to bring you over
**
i'm wondering of you now
and what happened to you
i remember words
that were said and sighed and written
but I hear things, you know
i hear the bottle broke us down
but not a word from you yet
and there's things that
even a drunk will never forget
**
I first heard the album at SOMA (how appropriate) and asked Irine, the coffeeshop girl, who the artist was...that was two years ago.
Most of my records went back to tracks for a resell my annual purging--and I remember pausing while holding this one before putting it back in the shelves. This was my favorite song. "Gauzy Dress" always had me thinking about pretty, young, flirty girls with long brown hair--none of which I am, so feeling yucky and inadequate I would usually fwd through that track. SAT-NAM And so it goes. And so it goes. Sat-Nam.
It's nice to know what I am doing for New Year's Eve. I hate the dreaded holiday, especially since I don't spend much time with other people these days...
so 10 pm chanting and meditation, a sleep over and cold shower with almond oil followed by 3:45 am Sadhana. May the longtime sun shine upon you!
and finally..hitting home lyrics from the 1999 Bloomed album:
i've been stunned
and I've been turned
i've been undone and burned
i saw you as the answer to
years of blue and wonder
your voice shakes me through
but you don't know what I might be
you haven't seen the worst of me
but when your eyes move up I'm silent
**so put your arms around me
and pull your mouth up to mine
and what's that word
i forget sometimes
it's the one that means
the love has left your eyes
i'm thinking now when I first knew
i was lying with a stranger
you were curled up with a paper
in your little SOMA room
the telephone was pouring blue
and when I hung up with you
i was sick and sad and wished I had
a kiss to bring you over
**
i'm wondering of you now
and what happened to you
i remember words
that were said and sighed and written
but I hear things, you know
i hear the bottle broke us down
but not a word from you yet
and there's things that
even a drunk will never forget
**
I first heard the album at SOMA (how appropriate) and asked Irine, the coffeeshop girl, who the artist was...that was two years ago.
Most of my records went back to tracks for a resell my annual purging--and I remember pausing while holding this one before putting it back in the shelves. This was my favorite song. "Gauzy Dress" always had me thinking about pretty, young, flirty girls with long brown hair--none of which I am, so feeling yucky and inadequate I would usually fwd through that track. SAT-NAM And so it goes. And so it goes. Sat-Nam.
12/22/2004
silk p.js
It's 9:15 a.m. and I am still in my silk jammies. From my window I can see my neighbors venturing out one by to excavate their cars. I can see them shiver and curse. The process takes each person about 10 minutes. Usually by this time in the morning I am already gone--to work or town. I hate sitting around at home. It's nice to see who lives above or below me--even if they are completely bundled up and faceless.
But today was different. I stayed in bed listening to cars crawling along the highway, occasionally that one car does a tailspin and the driver continues that pointless spinning wheel thing-y, digging himself deeper into a snowbank.
*Since I wasn't working yesterday, I was able to witness the parinoia of pre-snow storm blues strike the innocent people of Bloomington. It never fails, anyone with a television or radio click into "it's the end of the world" mode and have to buy a gallon of milk and a loaf of bread just in case. It cracks me up. I guess they forget that pizza CAN be delivered.
*= SIDE NOTE
While listening to public radio, my favorite lispy dj announced that the roads were terrible and we should stay inside unless totally necessary. Ha. Tell that to the idiot stranded outside my apartment.
It does look mighty purty out there. Wish I had a sled and a big husky dog...and maybe a strong companion..no matter.
I missed the solstice party last night. Decided that I would wait for the snow, watch a movie, sit in the tub and read until pruny, which is just what I did. I am sure the mandolins and banjos were fired up-- maybe next time.
I have overdosed on my music and picked up James for shits and giggles...some good stuff but not something I can play all the way through without skipping a few tunes. Also while killing time in town I hung around Howards to pet the kitties and found some cheap old classic Ella Fitz. Man, that girl could sing.
But today was different. I stayed in bed listening to cars crawling along the highway, occasionally that one car does a tailspin and the driver continues that pointless spinning wheel thing-y, digging himself deeper into a snowbank.
*Since I wasn't working yesterday, I was able to witness the parinoia of pre-snow storm blues strike the innocent people of Bloomington. It never fails, anyone with a television or radio click into "it's the end of the world" mode and have to buy a gallon of milk and a loaf of bread just in case. It cracks me up. I guess they forget that pizza CAN be delivered.
*= SIDE NOTE
While listening to public radio, my favorite lispy dj announced that the roads were terrible and we should stay inside unless totally necessary. Ha. Tell that to the idiot stranded outside my apartment.
It does look mighty purty out there. Wish I had a sled and a big husky dog...and maybe a strong companion..no matter.
I missed the solstice party last night. Decided that I would wait for the snow, watch a movie, sit in the tub and read until pruny, which is just what I did. I am sure the mandolins and banjos were fired up-- maybe next time.
I have overdosed on my music and picked up James for shits and giggles...some good stuff but not something I can play all the way through without skipping a few tunes. Also while killing time in town I hung around Howards to pet the kitties and found some cheap old classic Ella Fitz. Man, that girl could sing.
12/21/2004
"the promise"
I just finished watching Napolian Dynamite this sond was in the closing credits: Talk about flashback..
The Promise Lyrics
Artist: When In Rome
Album: The Promise
If you need a friend, don't look to a stranger,
You know in the end, I'll always be there.
But when you're in doubt, and when you're in danger,
Take a look all around, and I'll be there.
I'm sorry, but I'm just thinking of the right words to say.
I know they don't sound the way I planned them to be.
But if you'll wait around awhile, I'll make you fall for me,
I promise you, I promise you I will.
When your day is through, and so is your temper,
You know what to do, I'm gonna always be there.
Sometimes if I shout, it's not what's intended.
These words just come out, with no gripe to bear.
I'm sorry, but I'm just thinking of the right words to say.
I know they don't sound the way I planned them to be.
But if you'll wait around awhile, I'll make you fall for me,
I promise you, I promise you...
I'm sorry, but I'm just thinking of the right words to say.
I know they don't sound the way I planned them to be.
And if I had to walk the world, I'd make you fall for me,
I promise you, I promise you I will.
I gotta tell you, I gotta tell you, I need to tell you...
I'm sorry, but I'm just thinking of the right words to say.
I know they don't sound the way I planned them to be.
But if you'll wait around awhile, I'll make you fall for me,
I promise you, I promise you...
I'm sorry, but I'm just thinking of the right words to say.
I know they don't sound the way I planned them to be.
And if I had to walk the world, I'd make you fall for me,
I promise you, I promise you I will. I will. I will.
The Promise Lyrics
Artist: When In Rome
Album: The Promise
If you need a friend, don't look to a stranger,
You know in the end, I'll always be there.
But when you're in doubt, and when you're in danger,
Take a look all around, and I'll be there.
I'm sorry, but I'm just thinking of the right words to say.
I know they don't sound the way I planned them to be.
But if you'll wait around awhile, I'll make you fall for me,
I promise you, I promise you I will.
When your day is through, and so is your temper,
You know what to do, I'm gonna always be there.
Sometimes if I shout, it's not what's intended.
These words just come out, with no gripe to bear.
I'm sorry, but I'm just thinking of the right words to say.
I know they don't sound the way I planned them to be.
But if you'll wait around awhile, I'll make you fall for me,
I promise you, I promise you...
I'm sorry, but I'm just thinking of the right words to say.
I know they don't sound the way I planned them to be.
And if I had to walk the world, I'd make you fall for me,
I promise you, I promise you I will.
I gotta tell you, I gotta tell you, I need to tell you...
I'm sorry, but I'm just thinking of the right words to say.
I know they don't sound the way I planned them to be.
But if you'll wait around awhile, I'll make you fall for me,
I promise you, I promise you...
I'm sorry, but I'm just thinking of the right words to say.
I know they don't sound the way I planned them to be.
And if I had to walk the world, I'd make you fall for me,
I promise you, I promise you I will. I will. I will.
winter solstice
As you hear of me, so think of me.
I kiss your hand, and so I leave you. Farewell.."
Much Ado About Nothing, Benedick, Act IV, scene ii
Today is the winter solstice and it is going to snow starting at midnight. Could we ask for anything more? Ok, there is that Peace on Earth thing..
Not sure what to write today--I am feeling so disconnected from others. I've been thinking seriously about finding another job for many reasons. I am to the point where I feel that I have to hide out, that having a voice and an opposing opinion, that going against the majority gets me put out like the cat. So, I rebel, trying to stand up for myself, and it just makes everything worse. Not to mention I have no one at work that I feel comfortable just being with noone I can be myself around--the rest ignore me and now they think I am a real freak.
When everything has been stripped from you, everything that matters, it makes you seriously do some reprioritizing. Take away my work, my purpose, friends,take away my family, take away my pride, even my sanity--what is there? The alienation I feel at work is just beyond uncomfortable; beyond bearable anymore. I am a fighter--but this one, this one, I just don't know if it's worth the fight.
So I am thinking of you all but I know you don't care, or don't want to know. I have a heart and a soul. I have feelings. I will always love you--unconditionally.
I kiss your hand, and so I leave you. Farewell.."
Much Ado About Nothing, Benedick, Act IV, scene ii
Today is the winter solstice and it is going to snow starting at midnight. Could we ask for anything more? Ok, there is that Peace on Earth thing..
Not sure what to write today--I am feeling so disconnected from others. I've been thinking seriously about finding another job for many reasons. I am to the point where I feel that I have to hide out, that having a voice and an opposing opinion, that going against the majority gets me put out like the cat. So, I rebel, trying to stand up for myself, and it just makes everything worse. Not to mention I have no one at work that I feel comfortable just being with noone I can be myself around--the rest ignore me and now they think I am a real freak.
When everything has been stripped from you, everything that matters, it makes you seriously do some reprioritizing. Take away my work, my purpose, friends,take away my family, take away my pride, even my sanity--what is there? The alienation I feel at work is just beyond uncomfortable; beyond bearable anymore. I am a fighter--but this one, this one, I just don't know if it's worth the fight.
So I am thinking of you all but I know you don't care, or don't want to know. I have a heart and a soul. I have feelings. I will always love you--unconditionally.
12/19/2004
Man of the Year..Again?
Not Again
Who is on the committee for selecting the (wo)Man of the year anyway?
Can't help but wonder about the progress of my show and all the events leading up to its hasty takeover. It hurts. I feel expendable and insignificant. And while I think this time has been helpful in some ways, it has been harmful in others.
I know it is out of my control. You can tell that to my head. I just wish someone could explain it to my heart.
Who is on the committee for selecting the (wo)Man of the year anyway?
Can't help but wonder about the progress of my show and all the events leading up to its hasty takeover. It hurts. I feel expendable and insignificant. And while I think this time has been helpful in some ways, it has been harmful in others.
I know it is out of my control. You can tell that to my head. I just wish someone could explain it to my heart.
12/18/2004
Act 2, scene ii "my Lament" an aria
An analogy from Tall Steve on my life: I am in Act 2, scene ii of an opera (I decide what opera best fits my situation). There are 5 Acts. My question to him was how many intermissions there are.
So I think I figured it out. The puzzle pieces finally fit: kundalini yoga. Or just yoga in general. OK, everyone seems to be a few steps ahead of me. That is fine. The laugh hits me long after the punchline these days. And now unfortunately I have to wait around until Act 5 to see how this whole stupid life plays out. Sat-Nam-Sat-Nam.
What I want to say, what I am saying cannot be said. I just hope the vibrations can be felt from here. "When your self is in peace, then allthe surrounding shall be in peace." -Yogi Bhajan
So I think I figured it out. The puzzle pieces finally fit: kundalini yoga. Or just yoga in general. OK, everyone seems to be a few steps ahead of me. That is fine. The laugh hits me long after the punchline these days. And now unfortunately I have to wait around until Act 5 to see how this whole stupid life plays out. Sat-Nam-Sat-Nam.
What I want to say, what I am saying cannot be said. I just hope the vibrations can be felt from here. "When your self is in peace, then allthe surrounding shall be in peace." -Yogi Bhajan
..the silence drew off, baring the pebbles and shells and all the tatty wreckage of my life. Then, at the rim of vision, it gathered itself, and in one sweeping tide, rushed me to sleep. -S. Plath, The Bell Jar
a fine novel written by another fine, misunderstood woman.
I feel like I am on a vacation of sorts. I wake when I want, read, write,eat, drink and sleep whenever I want. No one bugs me..there is something to be said of true solitude. It's kindof a house arrest without the law. I have experienced the alternative--not my kind of living.
Tomorrow's my 35th birthday. It doesn't feel like it. In fact, I must have been given a calendar from 1995 or something because I cannot believe it's Christmas either. These have been the strangest, most odd, unbelievable few months. I feel like I am watching a movie of someone else's life and thinking,
"God, her life really sucks...and now she WHAT? Who turned her in? She murdered whom? Wait, she's really a MAN??? Fuck, what a fucked up movie. Shit, let's go get a beer."
The fates are not on my side this year. How many New Year's Resolutions is one person granted?
I like to smile when I hear people pouring out their woes to others in coffeeshoppes, in bars, in the grocery line. And it is never good to trivialize other people's shit. I mean it is stressing them out--no matter how pathetic their situation may be. Nevertheless, I am tempted to say, "Look lady, if that is all you have to worry about, you should shut your fat, loud mouth."
I mentioned to an old friend that working in Japan is looking better and better. He speaks fluent Japanese and would make a great travel companion. Even if he does like action movies and video games. I mean, we can't all be perfect.
So it's Saturday and my urge is to trip into manic mode and be the overachiever. But today, I am taking it easy. Cleaning behind the refrigerator can wait. and something ot leave with you:
she appears in his dreams
but in his car, and in his arms
a dream could mean anything
a cheap sunset on a television set could upset her
but he never could
remember to remember me
standing still in your past
floating fast like a hummingbird
his goal in life was to be an echo
the type of sound that floats around
and then back down like a feather
but in the deep chrome canyons of the loudest Manhattans
no one could hear him
or anything
"Hummingbird" Tweedy
a fine novel written by another fine, misunderstood woman.
I feel like I am on a vacation of sorts. I wake when I want, read, write,eat, drink and sleep whenever I want. No one bugs me..there is something to be said of true solitude. It's kindof a house arrest without the law. I have experienced the alternative--not my kind of living.
Tomorrow's my 35th birthday. It doesn't feel like it. In fact, I must have been given a calendar from 1995 or something because I cannot believe it's Christmas either. These have been the strangest, most odd, unbelievable few months. I feel like I am watching a movie of someone else's life and thinking,
"God, her life really sucks...and now she WHAT? Who turned her in? She murdered whom? Wait, she's really a MAN??? Fuck, what a fucked up movie. Shit, let's go get a beer."
The fates are not on my side this year. How many New Year's Resolutions is one person granted?
I like to smile when I hear people pouring out their woes to others in coffeeshoppes, in bars, in the grocery line. And it is never good to trivialize other people's shit. I mean it is stressing them out--no matter how pathetic their situation may be. Nevertheless, I am tempted to say, "Look lady, if that is all you have to worry about, you should shut your fat, loud mouth."
I mentioned to an old friend that working in Japan is looking better and better. He speaks fluent Japanese and would make a great travel companion. Even if he does like action movies and video games. I mean, we can't all be perfect.
So it's Saturday and my urge is to trip into manic mode and be the overachiever. But today, I am taking it easy. Cleaning behind the refrigerator can wait. and something ot leave with you:
she appears in his dreams
but in his car, and in his arms
a dream could mean anything
a cheap sunset on a television set could upset her
but he never could
remember to remember me
standing still in your past
floating fast like a hummingbird
his goal in life was to be an echo
the type of sound that floats around
and then back down like a feather
but in the deep chrome canyons of the loudest Manhattans
no one could hear him
or anything
"Hummingbird" Tweedy
12/17/2004
"cherry ghost"
***
Just got back from seeing Alexander Paine's Sideways. Paine also directed Election and About Schmidt..I was the the youngest one in the theatre (no kidding). A good movie, several good moments a good example of Everyman's life. Surely we can all relate to someone in the film. (is that redundant?)
It's Friday night. I am here. And it's ok.
jeff tweedy can write some damn good lyrics...
I especially like "muzzle of bees", "company onmy back", and "wishful thinking" all from the latest ghost is born .
It's a big party weekend. Maybe next year. There's always next year.
Just got back from seeing Alexander Paine's Sideways. Paine also directed Election and About Schmidt..I was the the youngest one in the theatre (no kidding). A good movie, several good moments a good example of Everyman's life. Surely we can all relate to someone in the film. (is that redundant?)
It's Friday night. I am here. And it's ok.
jeff tweedy can write some damn good lyrics...
I especially like "muzzle of bees", "company onmy back", and "wishful thinking" all from the latest ghost is born .
It's a big party weekend. Maybe next year. There's always next year.
12/07/2004
"Mass Romantic"
Mass romantic fool wears Foster Grants, his books on tape ring true, like everyone wants to say "I love you" to someone on the radio.The first voice in the hollowed stars, now the one true loves, and author of "My Life Among the Kids Who Go to Shows." This is not the way. In the streetlight dawn, this street turns on. Mass romantic fool, separated by sheets when the curtain calls you, speaking on the themes of stolen virtue missing from the radio. Now this romantic duel is into the streets, bon appetit, you've eaten me alive you realize. This is not the way. In the streetlight dawn, this beat turns on. This boy's life among the electrical lights.
-TNP
-TNP
12/06/2004
Willard library
...Is located in a pasture a few miles beyond Lake Griffy. After an inspiring rehearsal yesterday, I called two close friends and invited myself over. We stood at the base of what will soon be a pole barn--huge. She and he discussed dimensions, straw and timeline while I sat in the warm December sun.
We decided to hike back through their property, quiet with only the crunching of leaves under our feet, occasionally commenting on a passing bird, identifying a tree or the enormous horse piles scattered like landmines. My mind was free.
After several miles, we arrived at a small log cabin. And further still there was a quaint green cabin with a bright blue door and a gold door knob. This was Willard Library. The shelves were stacked with mostly children's books, many of which are Newbery Medal winners. Some were ages old. The room reminded me of my grandmother's attic--a treasure full of old toys and books. We stayed and read a few books aloud and watched the sun set through the pained window. I checked out a few books for my daughter--in good faith that I will return them.
Ari explained the history of the library and the generosity of the old man who built it. The library was a cross between something out of Rand's Anthem and The Darling Family Bedroom--Peter Pan. We tracked back, passing the horses that helped to carry the materials out to this desolate space--their hooves as big around as my thighs.
Upon our return, we drank hard cider. Ari played his mandolin, I played guitar.
I couldn't have asked for a better way to spend my Sunday.
Ask me about the 4 D's: Dancing, Dating, Dramatics, Debating... Lolita
We decided to hike back through their property, quiet with only the crunching of leaves under our feet, occasionally commenting on a passing bird, identifying a tree or the enormous horse piles scattered like landmines. My mind was free.
After several miles, we arrived at a small log cabin. And further still there was a quaint green cabin with a bright blue door and a gold door knob. This was Willard Library. The shelves were stacked with mostly children's books, many of which are Newbery Medal winners. Some were ages old. The room reminded me of my grandmother's attic--a treasure full of old toys and books. We stayed and read a few books aloud and watched the sun set through the pained window. I checked out a few books for my daughter--in good faith that I will return them.
Ari explained the history of the library and the generosity of the old man who built it. The library was a cross between something out of Rand's Anthem and The Darling Family Bedroom--Peter Pan. We tracked back, passing the horses that helped to carry the materials out to this desolate space--their hooves as big around as my thighs.
Upon our return, we drank hard cider. Ari played his mandolin, I played guitar.
I couldn't have asked for a better way to spend my Sunday.
Ask me about the 4 D's: Dancing, Dating, Dramatics, Debating... Lolita
12/05/2004
I remain....
There is nothing more revolting than the sound of two cars colliding--especially when one is yours, and it is brand new. The horrible sound of metal and fiberglass on metal is just horrifying. Fortunately, neither party was hurt in the incident.
When it rains, it pours. God, I hate that saying no matter how true.
Not to my surprise, I saw no one from school at the shows this weekend. My next two shows are going to be brilliant--I can feel it--the creativity has surged these past few months. You have to put it somewhere, I guess.
I am reading this book recommended by my therapist about controlling energy, using intuitive thoughts and channeling creativity. I have never quite had someone explain how artists work so well before. The preshow meditation was helpful yesterday.
I have been trying to figure out a way to put this into words--and I will most likely fail as I am just letting it flow now.
It strikes me as funny, how being the one to leave a bad situation I am also the one who sacrifices everything. With every visit, I see my daughter changing, and it pains me to leave her. I miss my cats terribly. The drive to and from town is now a torturous ride--I cry uncontrollably--both ways. While talking to acquaintances who ask how the family is, I never know how to respond. And even more painful when they ask how my daughter is. While waiting to be seated at any restaurant the question, "are you waiting for someone?" or "just one today?" "will someone be joining you?" is crushing. I usually counter with, " joining me? Not that I'm aware..." Or "just one..today and every day.." Sarcasm. Fuck Yeah.
The guy who lives next door to me was leaving as I came home and so I introduced myself, seeing we were neighbors and all. While passing in the narrow hallway, he said something incoherent and walked on.
Unfortunately, having extended conversations with people is becoming painfully difficult now. And when I call someone, after a few seconds I want to hang up. When I am out, I like to listen to other people sitting around me just to feel part of it.
Can someone please tell me this is only temporary? Can someone please say it gets better? Who will stand with me? Who will stand by me? Before it consumes me completely--before I can no longer get out of bed. I can't bear this loneliness and isolation much longer.
"half of the time we're gone but we don't know where and we don't know where..."
here I am. --S. and G.
Your good vibes would be appreciated.
When it rains, it pours. God, I hate that saying no matter how true.
Not to my surprise, I saw no one from school at the shows this weekend. My next two shows are going to be brilliant--I can feel it--the creativity has surged these past few months. You have to put it somewhere, I guess.
I am reading this book recommended by my therapist about controlling energy, using intuitive thoughts and channeling creativity. I have never quite had someone explain how artists work so well before. The preshow meditation was helpful yesterday.
I have been trying to figure out a way to put this into words--and I will most likely fail as I am just letting it flow now.
It strikes me as funny, how being the one to leave a bad situation I am also the one who sacrifices everything. With every visit, I see my daughter changing, and it pains me to leave her. I miss my cats terribly. The drive to and from town is now a torturous ride--I cry uncontrollably--both ways. While talking to acquaintances who ask how the family is, I never know how to respond. And even more painful when they ask how my daughter is. While waiting to be seated at any restaurant the question, "are you waiting for someone?" or "just one today?" "will someone be joining you?" is crushing. I usually counter with, " joining me? Not that I'm aware..." Or "just one..today and every day.." Sarcasm. Fuck Yeah.
The guy who lives next door to me was leaving as I came home and so I introduced myself, seeing we were neighbors and all. While passing in the narrow hallway, he said something incoherent and walked on.
Unfortunately, having extended conversations with people is becoming painfully difficult now. And when I call someone, after a few seconds I want to hang up. When I am out, I like to listen to other people sitting around me just to feel part of it.
Can someone please tell me this is only temporary? Can someone please say it gets better? Who will stand with me? Who will stand by me? Before it consumes me completely--before I can no longer get out of bed. I can't bear this loneliness and isolation much longer.
"half of the time we're gone but we don't know where and we don't know where..."
here I am. --S. and G.
Your good vibes would be appreciated.
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